1. What do golf and sex share in common? Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Bruce Lansky. 8. About 160 yards was his reply. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Here is a list that I have compiled over the years of my some of my favorite golf quotes. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. Dont break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. Louise Suggs, 8. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. A hole in one of a kind model. 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. This post may contain affiliate links. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. Its not just enough to swing at the ball. It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. Putter Around. Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. The Dalai Lama himself. I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. Do you know why the game is called golf? Your email address will not be published. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Golfing? Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty Full Text: Keep Calm and Go For A Run Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Beware Of Owner ~ The Dog Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. Golfing Quotes "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a -- Winston Churchill "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the -- Jack Benny "You can make a lot of money in this game. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Why are computers such naturally good golfers? 4. He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Tell me what your favorite sports game is, and I will tell you, who you are. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. Features: Size: 7x18 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Some of the best cowboys aren't boys Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. "While playing golf today I hit two good balls. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. I smile at obstacles. Tiger Woods, 13. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. If you want to share these funny golf quotes pictures on social media like Fb, Insta, WhatsApp, or Twitter, you can also do that. If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? He attacks it. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. All through the night they made wild love together. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. Don't dirt your soul. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. Does a bear crap in the woods? The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him. In the Golf of Mexico! I hope you can use them for your game and as inspiration. Boo. It took one afternoon on the golf course. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? After 18 holes I can barely walk. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. What did Sir Mixalot say after sinking a 14-footer on the green, saving a terrible 3rd stroke into the rough? A great shot is when you pull it off. You swing left and the ball goes right. Steve Bann, It is surely quite superfluous to mention / To a person who has been here half an hour / That Golf is what engrosses the attention / Of the people, with an all-absorbing power. Another Ball in the Trees. My doctor told me I cant play golf. Oh, when did he play with you?. Noah. P.G. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. 6. If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? The threesome were curious what was going on. Therefore weve combined it together and compiled these hilarious Golf Jokes for Seniors that Im sure youll like. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. Lorii Myers, Long, long afterward, in a whin / I found the golf-ball, black as sin / But the five shillings are missing still! I . Dave Hill, My swing is then adjusted / as words take off and fly / And landing safe beyond the trap / to make the devil cry. This position should feel sort of unnatural and should permit you to hook the ball without altering your golf swing. He said. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart." - Arthur Daley. Ben Hogan, To find a mans true character, play golf with him. Ellis Parker Butler, Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. What is a golfers favorite bird? These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.". We have a threesome, care to join us? Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. 2. You're like an ugly dog-leg, but I'd still like to tee off. In case he got a hole in one! You shot an eight. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. You may share any of these heartfelt photos with funny golf quotes without hesitation. Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Just as in life, you are presented with options; its up to you to decide which ones suit you best. Sandra Haynie, 30. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." Golfs three ugliest words: Still your shot. Dave Marr, 36. Hi there! Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. If there has been one fundamental reason for my success, this is it. Gene Sarazen, 22. What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? I've been playing golf all day and would love to make you my 19th hoe. / They havent turned up, and I doubt if they will. What did the duck say to the golf ball? "Golf is like a love affair. when we were married," said the pouting wife. Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Why a carrot as a logo? Knock, knock The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. Hit the ball. Id cry too if I played golf like you. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Simpson, Most people play a fair game of golf If you watch them. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. If you break 80, watch your business.". Nuts! I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Or under. Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. Being a thoughtful person, and a social being, I find it very amusing to explore people's thoughts, observations, and experiences. A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks, Wife: Honey, if I die, will you marry again?, Wife: Will you let her sleep in our bed?, Wife: Would you even let her use my golf clubs?. They dont have the heart for it. Here, have a carrot! George B. Kirsch, Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. You made an 11 on a Par 3 hole? 7. What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common? Required fields are marked *. We share them in our weekly newsletter. Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. Many golfing terms sound naughty. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Diller's comment is a great take on a bit of traditional golf advice. Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. If we weren't, we'd take up a less infuriating hobby, like knitting. See more ideas about golf humor, golf, humor. 2. The friend is quite amazed: That dog is really talented! I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. "We learn so many things from golfhow to suffer, for instance.". The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! Golf tips are like Aspirin: One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle youll be lucky to survive. Harvey Penick, 17. Funny Family Poems. Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. Make your partner smile with these adult golf jokes. A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. ~ George Bernard Shaw. Sawdust City LLC. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Whats a golfers favorite nightlife activity? No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. He's the one getting his balls cleaned. Because her coach was a pumpkin. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl.